I want to be just like you. You want to be like me. We want to be like each other.
Let’s go back to when we were just babies. Our parents dressed us up in the same clothes as our siblings or how they dress. They wanted us to be like them, fed us the foods they liked. Gave us toys they approved. This is the foundation of pleasing people. We see this pleases our parents, so we go along with it.
This grows with us. We started acting and dressing like our friends and people around us. Appealing to what they like, never really understanding what we want. This is learning process for us. Some of us may come out of this process becoming another person or developing who we want to be. We are built to please others to make people happy, why? This helps us feel better about ourselves. We have let another persons personality take us over, pretty soon this is who we become. Never really experiencing what we want in life. Putting our goals aside to help other achieve theirs.
Growing up, I fought for many years trying to please the people around me. Adjusting me to them. You know when people tell you that when you are in a relationship you have to make compromises. Does that mean I have to be like that person and give them what they want or can I be me also? Does my partner understand this concept also or does this only affect one person?
In my last marriage, I could not say what I wanted or where I wanted to go. I just had to go with the flow. My voice was not heard, at the time I thought this is what “compromise” meant. Making the other person happy. Putting my emotions and goals aside for another, becoming like them. I slowly found myself giving up my likes and goals forcing myself to grow into the other persons likes and dislikes. I stopped eating my favorite foods, because they did not like them. I stopped playing volleyball, because they never came to see me play. I started doing what they wanted, becoming like them. I no longer was my active, volleyball playing , tree climbing girl. I was someone else. I do not blame anyone, but myself. I had let this other person live through me. I was no longer me.
Growing up, we go through different phrases to find our true selves. We grow to please people, we grow into other people. We never really become us. Even in the work place, you may find it awkward to go to lunch with people you dont know or fear to walk by yourself, because you don’t want to be the outcast. You start becoming someone else just to fit in the environment that you are in. That is how we live. That is how we survive.
Yet, there are people who are more social and are more of an extrovert, they speak about everything and look for reactions. They want the attention, because that is how they handle the awkwardness. They tell you their whole life and wait for you to answer. They tell you who they are right away. These are the more confident people. This does not mean they have established themselves yet, they just handle things differently.
Not only at work or social places, but everywhere else. People wear certain clothes, put their makeup a certain way and even act a certain way just to people please. Why? Because it makes us feel good! It makes us feel good that we are noticed. We are not the outcast, we are just like them.
From the time we are born to the time we lay to rest, we are making ourselves like other people. The way we put our makeup, the way we do our hair and how we act.
Sometimes, we don’t even know that we are doing it. Yet, this is a pattern that we cannot fall out of, we find it easy to live through someone else, because we want our lives to be easy on us. I have notice in myself when I get ready for work, I have begun to question everything. Should I wear my hair up or down and should I saw Good Morning to people even if they don’t say good morning to me? That is just being human right?
When we don’t get the praises we want or the attention, our self-esteem gets affected. We start acting and being the new person just to get attention. Just to fit in. We just want to fit in. I am at a point in my life when I tell myself ” Is this even worth stressing over?” Or I even use simple words like ” live yo life” to remind myself that ” Hey, I am on a path and I dont need to be a people pleaser just to get where I need to be.” I just want to get noticed in my way way and my own personality, I dont want to live another person just to fit in.
In your own group of friends, you might have that one person that everyone is following right? You make your hair like them. Won’t do anything until they agree. When you want to invite someone placens , their name always comes up right? You want to please them. Why? Because you might be put as an outcast, might be viewed as less of a person. That is what we fear the most, losing that attention, so we are like another person. We have to reach out to another persons likes just to get them to notice us.
Sometimes we don’t even notice that we are becoming like another person , because it becomes so natural to us. We become another person when our boss steps in the room, we become another person why we want to date someone. We become another person at work verse at home. We become what our society wants us to become.