Chapter 1: Unwanted

Screen Shot 2019-07-12 at 3.55.48 PM

“Now, if you do not stop crying, I will leave you in your room all day with nothing.” She said angrily.

I OPENED MY EYES TO DARKNESS. I had fallen asleep in my aunt’s car, we were driving on a dark narrow highway to somewhere. I only remember being pulled away from the T.V and being tossed in the car with my brothers and sisters. My head was laying on the car window, behind the drivers’ seat. I looked out the window into the darkness, the nothingness of the darkness gave me fear that crept all through my body as if it wanted to take it. I looked at the front of the car to see my aunt sleeping in the passenger seat, snoring loudly. My uncle, in the driver’s seat, angrily mumbling to himself about how bright the lights were from the passing carsand my mom sitting in the middle talking to herself about a baby, clearly she was drunk again. In the backseat, by the far window sat my brother Jacob, right next to him was our sister Danika, her head slowly making its way down to Jacobs’ shoulder. I looked back out the window into the darkness slowly falling back into my nightmare.

Run! Run! I did not have time to think, I just wanted to run. Something waschasing us, but I did not know what it was, I just knew I had to keep running.As I ran, the forest around me moved closer and closer to me, the trees reaching out to grab and pull me back. I knew I had to run. 

“Sona Sona! Wake up! “A voice interrupted my dream sending me back to reality. Relieved, I opened my eyes to a blurry image of a face looking down at me. As my eyes were refocusing, I felt my body being forcibly tugged out of the car. Looking at my surroundings, I saw different colored trailer houses lined up next to each other and several cars in each driveway. A young pine tree forest across from the trailers, two huge dumpsters sitting by the entrance of the trailercourt, I had no idea where I was. I looked at my mom with wondering eyes, she looked back withno expression, almost like she was not there. When she spoke her voice sounds harsh with a tad bit of sadness. She was wearing a blue shirt with tan sweat pants, she was holding two cigarettes in her right hand and a pop bottle in her left hand. I knew she was drinking again, this made me feel of sad and anger filled by body. She explained to Danika and I that we would be staying with our Aunt and Uncle for a while. She did not give us a reason, but lead us into their brown and white trailer. Standing inside, I did not know what to say, I looked at my mom wondering what to do next. She stared back at me looking in my eyes with a sadness, but quickly walked away, mumbling something that sounded like a “Good bye.” Flabbergasted, I wanted to run after her, but my feet would not move, like something was telling me to stay still. I could not understand why my mom was leaving us, I wanted to ask where she was going. I had so many questions, but I did not know how to say them or even what to do.

My Aunt and Uncles trailer was brown with white edges, it had four windows on each side and one big window in the front. Standing in the trailer, my stomach felt like as if I just drank some sour milk, making its way up to my neck and inside my head. My head began to pounded so hard tears filled my eyes, everything hurt, all I wanted to do was run away from it all. To the right of the front door was the kitchen that had blue cabinets that were falling off their hinges as if they wanted to be free too. In front of the sink was a small island that was piled with junk food. The oven was covered in old food that look liked it been there for days, that made my stomach feel even worse. The refrigerator was an ugly shade of green and it was piled with blue boxes that grownups only drank, but I have seen my step dad give my older brother some. Just to the right of the refrigerator was a huge window that faced the main road, the paint around the window was chipping. The living room was in the main area of the house, by the front door. It had a nicely vacuum white carpet, with a large couch that had two holes on back, two brown,leather arm chairs and across from the couch was a brown box TV set. Far against the wall were two long, tall bookcases piles with books and head dress sets. I remember seeing those head dress sets at several POW WOW’s that my mom brought me to. The trailer walls were layered with brown wallpaper that was slowly peeling off, as if it were telling me that it was tired and wanted to leave. To the right of the bookcases was a long hallway, which lead to two bedrooms and a bathroom.

After my mom left, my sister and I were put in the front bedroom just to the left off the hallway. There was no door attached to the bedroom, but a very strong smell of pee was creeping out into the hallway, my stomach turned once more and I just wanted to run, I could not stand that smell. Inside was a child size mattress on the floor to the far right with a brown lump on top, upon further look, it was an old baby blanket that smelt like pee. By the looks of it, several children have used this blanket before us. Just across the bed was a tan bedside table with a small TV set, which had a Nintendo 64 connected to it, which gave me a little bit of hope, because I remember my cousins telling how “cool” their new Nintendo was. Before I had no idea what they were talking about, but looking at the Nintendo, I knew I had something to look forward too.

As the days passed by, I spent every night wondering if my mom was ever coming back to get us or if we were to stay in this peed smelled room forever. I just wanted my stomach to stop turning and my head to stop pounding. We spent many days exploring the young pine tree area across from my Aunt and Uncles trailer. We played Hide and seek, tried to catch frogs and even looked for snakes. Under one of the trees we had discovered that the tree had made a small hut under all of the branches. We called it our “tree house” this helped us take our mind away from everything that we went through and our mom. We would play until we got hungry, everytime we headed back to get some food, we were told that our mom would be back from her trip and she would feed us. She did not show up, we learned to ignore our stomachs and move on. I had wished my mom would just pick us up from the trailer and take us away, the sour milk in my stomach just go worse and worse with every passing day. We were told not to use the shower in the trailer, because we would use up all the water and my aunt spent most of the day in the tub.Since we were not their children we could not use or play with anything that they had bought, not even some leftover food. Every day, we would sneak behind the trailer to the holes connectedto the back and wash ourselves. We would wait until we were dry before we would come back inside, afraid of being caught for our actions.

One hot sunny day, my cousins arrived with my other aunt and told us that they would be staying with us for a while. I was excited, because I had someone else to play with besides my sister, I could not wait to show them our tree house and how many snakes we caught. I watched as they pulled two bikes out of their dad’s truck, my cousin let me ride hers cautioning me to ride slowly, because she did not want me to break her bike. She was really proud of it and I was so nervous and scared, at first I said “No. I am too small and the bike is too big.” I said imagining myself falling off and getting hurt.

“It is so much fun!” She said. Pushing the bike towards me. “Here, let me show you!” she exclaimed as she jumped on the bike.

As I watched her drive up and down the gravel road, my heart started pounding, all I could think about was getting on that bike and feeling it for myself. I told her that I wanted to try. She got off the bike and I reached over to touch the handle bars, they felt warm from my cousin’s hands and slippery from my own sweaty hands. I had no idea how to ride a bike, no one had taught me how. My last memory of riding one was when my brother tried to ride and he broke his leg, but Iwas too young to really remember any details. As I got on the bike, I immediately fell right off, scrapping my knee. Determined to learn how to ride a bike, I got right back and front tire started to wiggle back and forth as I slowly tried to gain control. Moving a few inches, I got more excited and looked down at the front tire wondering how I am controlling it…SMACK! Not really paying attention to where I was going I had hit a huge rock in the middle of the road andfell off the bike, catching myself with my hands. Looking down at my bloody hands that had scraped against the ground, I started to cry. My aunt came outside to see what was wrong, when my cousin explained what happened. She came up to me and told me to stop crying, I looked up to see anger and frustration in her eyes, that made me cry harder, because she was disappointed in me. As I continued to cry louder and harder, she kept yelling at me to stop. Finally, she slapped me across the face this time demanding me to stop crying. I stopped and looked at her in disbelief, but yet not surprised at what she had done.

“Now, if you do not stop crying, I will leave you in your room all day with nothing.” She said angrily.

So, being a five years old, I cried harder. I knew that I would get hit again, but I was in so much pain the tears just kept coming. My aunt forcibly picked me up by my arm, tugging so hard that it felt like my arm was going to fall off. She dragged me into the trailer to the front bedroom, threw me on the bed, and turned the lights off. I spent the rest of the day crying huddled in the corner furthest from the door, wrapping myself in the peed smelled, stained blanket. My face stung and my arm hurt so bad I just wanted the pain to go away, the feeling of sour milk returned to my stomach. I just wanted my mom and the pain to go away. Whenever a car drove by our trailer, I would look outside to see if my mom was going to pick us up, but with every passing car, my heart sank deeper into my chest.

As the days passed by, I was not allowed to leave the room. I watched every morning as my sister and cousins would play on the Nintendo, or go outside and I was stuck inside. One morning, my cousin played a game on the Nintendo and I figured I would ask my cousin to play, because I knew that my aunt would say no. Waiting at the right moment, I took the controller out of my cousin’s hands and told him that it was my turn, astonished he punched me square in the face. I wanted to cry, but I knew that I should not, because I did not want my aunt to know what I had just done. I gave the controller back to my cousin, I cried silently in the corner of the bedroom as my cousins continued to play.

I asked my aunt everyday if I could leave the room and she would give me a good smack on the face. Pretty soon, I just gave up asking and slept most of my days, with my sour milk stomach growing and growing. Some days I threw it up, while other days I had manage to keep it down. I looked out the window to see my cousins using different rocks and boards for ramps for their bikes. Once my cousin fell and cried, afraid of seeing my aunt do the same thing she did to me. I looked away and waited for my cousin to be thrown in with me. I waited for a while, but nothing. Looking out the window, I saw my aunt give my cousin a Popsicle and telling her that it was alright she fell, she would just try again. I did not know what to say.

Click on the image:


Screen Shot 2019-07-13 at 8.05.14 AM





Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.